You know you’re officially old when your morning routine isn’t about coffee anymore — it’s about whether or not you can take a decent number 2.
Thanks to the cocktail of pain meds I’m on post-hernia surgery, my stomach has gone on strike. I used to smash out a morning toilet trip in record time. Now it’s an event. A saga. A full Netflix series.
Constipation Nation
I’ve never in my life worried about things like reflux or constipation. Now? I’m out here comparing the active ingredients in Gaviscon, Macrogol, and Coloxyl like I’m studying for a pharmacy degree.
The highlight of my day is debating whether today’s bowel movement is going to happen naturally… or whether I need to call in chemical reinforcements.
Deadlines Have Changed
Before surgery, my life was all about design and print deadlines. Tight turnarounds. High-pressure jobs.
Now? My deadlines look like this:
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9am: Endone.
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11am: Stool Softener.
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1pm: Gaviscon chaser.
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3pm: Try not to pass out mid-Bluey episode.
I’ve gone from print schedules to pill schedules. My project management system is literally a piece of paper with “Did I take this already?” scribbled all over it.
Retirement Home Vibes
Honestly, I’ve swapped dad life for retirement home life — and I’m only in my forties.
Twenty pills a day. Handwritten chart to keep track of them. And yes, I’ve already forgotten to tick off the chart three times and had a panic attack that I’d double-dosed myself into another dimension.
The only thing missing is a diet XXXX and a game of bingo.
Dad Lesson Learned
Hernias don’t just slow you down. They age you thirty years in thirty minutes.
So if you’re a dad out there thinking you’re too young to worry about bowel health… just wait. A hernia and a few rounds of Endone will have you living like Grandpa faster than you can say “Metamucil.”
The Hernia Diaries: Sit-ups were a mistake.
About the Author:
Rob Allen is a graphic designer, dad of three under six, and unwilling hernia expert. When he’s not juggling deadlines or nappies, he’s writing The Hernia Diaries from the couch — one ice pack and stool softener at a time.
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